It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize