1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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