u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
