Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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