you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
