I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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