Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
