if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
