I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Randomize
