Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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