if you like me you must not know who I am
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize