we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
