i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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