Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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