making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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