Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
