This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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