I feel like abortions should bother me more
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
