I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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