The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
