I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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