I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My bed smells like the plague
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
