my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
