He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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