my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He better not be in your backpack
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize