Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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