i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
