I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
