I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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