Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
