your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
