You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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