You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
