Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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