my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
