I CAN MOONWALK!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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