only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
