It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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