I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
