Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
