i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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