He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
