she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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