when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
