I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
