I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
