I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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