my phone needs a breathalizer
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
