I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Randomize
