Got a toothbrush?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
