tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
