So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
