Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
