This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize