You smell like stripper and shame
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
