I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
