i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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