hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
