I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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