The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
