i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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